Friday, May 24, 2013

My New Motto

"Nothing In This World Will Ever Break My Heart Again"


Funny how you think you have put that One. Big. Thing. behind you, and then a memory pops up and your heart aches all over again.  Not nearly as bad as the first time it was broken.  Or even the 12th time the thought of betrayal pops up.

But the pain peeks it's pesky head up out of the beautiful field of lilies, suddenly looming large and tries to choke out the goodness and light.

I had one of those moments a couple of days ago.  Things were going along swimmingly:  the kids were happy, I was happy and we have lots of fun things to look forward to in the next three weeks before they join my former husband for the summer.

My daughter came across a video I made for her for Christmas in 2010.  It was set to one of my favorite songs, "You're Beautiful."  In the video there are many, many pictures of my daughter.  I wanted her to know that throughout her life (some events recorded in funny and even potentially embarrassing pictures), she is loved; she is beautiful; she is sacred and she is His.

And then pops up a picture of my daughter in the arms of her father the day he returned from his tour overseas with the Air Force.   It has always been one of my most cherished memories.

This time, though, the memory seemed a bit tarnished -- overshadowed by the fact that I am no longer married to my children's father.  My heart broke again.  Just a little.  Just a small crack appeared on the wide expanse of the happiness spectrum.  But it was there.

That pesky weed of hurt and bitterness groped for a foothold.  As I stood gulping for air and willing myself to not tear up, I tried to remember my daughter instead of the circumstances of being set aside for another.  By God's grace and a well-timed hug from a loved one, I managed to let myself feel for about 45 seconds.  Just 45 seconds.  And then I blew that bitterness out in a gigantic huff and returned to my daughter who was on her third viewing of the video.

Regrouping was easier than the last time.  And my hope is that the next time, it will be easier yet.

Just tonight I came across a song written by Sarah Buxton that is so incredibly fitting and I wanted to share it.  Not out of bitterness, but from a strong place of determination.

I finally kept my pride
And hailed a cab
Those cuttin words you said
Were the last stab
There’ll be no tears this time
They’ve all dried up
No more sweet poison
I already drank that cup
This tunnel’s dark
But there’s a little light glowing
Bright enough for me to run toward knowing
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through
Will ever ever hurt like you
Don’t need a miracle
A superhero
There’s only one way up
When you’re at zero
You took my innocence
But it was knowing
No i don’t need you
And that made me a woman
I paid my dues
But that’s a debt i’m done paying
I’m standing strong
But I’m still on my knees praying
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through
Will ever ever hurt like you
I don't have any pretty ribbons and bows to wrap up this post.  But I guess I can say, that I am trying to count even hard fought milestones like this one as joy.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Dear Readers of note have said . . .