Tuesday, February 26, 2013

A Thankful Retrospective

"I want a divorce"

Nearly a year has passed since I heard the words that would change my life forever. A year of heartache, blessings, grace, turmoil and triumph. As I write, memories and emotions flood my mind, each clamoring for their due attention.

A small part of me will always love the man that announced “I do,” in front of our friends and family; the man that wept with me and tenderly held me when our first and third children were released to Heaven; the man that gripped my hand while tears threatened at his grandmother’s grave side; the man that single handedly built a chicken coop from his own design; the man who gave up a beloved truck for a family vehicle on more than one occasion; the man who determinedly put up the forever standing clothes line; and the man that proudly cradled each of our children moments after they were born.

Even though that man now seems to have been a figment of my imagination, I refuse to think of it as all a lie.

Our challenges were many. Yet, between our love for each other, and God’s grace, we met them together -- often with mistakes, but overcoming anyway.

Many occasions, saw me bite my tongue, swallow my pride, and breath slowly, deeply in order to remind myself of my role as a spouse. I am sure there were many times the man that I married had to do the same.

I thought I knew what love was like before I met him. I thought I knew exactly the kind of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  The pictures in my head of what life would be like, 10, 20, 30 years into the future began to change as I happily allowed the man I married to turn all of that upside down.

I gave my heart and body to that man. I willingly made myself vulnerable to him. Everything that I could offer him, I eagerly gave. I craved his attention. My breath caught at his every speaking glance. Newly married, I trembled at his touch, but I soon grew confident, and even adventurous.

 I reveled in his love.

And I waited for him. So, very many times, in many kinds of situations, I waited for him. Not always with patience, but with resolve.

He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel loved. He made me feel protected. And then he tore that all away.

The security of his love was stripped away in mere seconds, with four words, “I want a divorce.” Those words, small in number and yet large in consequence, seized, tore, then laid open my heart.

All that I had given, all that I had endured, all that I thought was truth was elbowed aside for something unproven, raw, and so very unseemly.  And not only outside the confines of his once professed love, but, more importantly, outside of God’s law.

My stomach threatens to lurch and twist in upheaval even now when I think of it. Betrayed. Blindsided. Beloved no longer.

Making a mockery of all I cherished.

So very much of what I held dear, scorned. 

And yet . . .

And yet . . .

God tells me that my children and I are loved.  With His love that has no limits, His love that never fails.  His love that is not tempted away by the finicky "grass is greener" kind of mentality.

Thank you, Lord.

God has provided in so very many ways.  He has picked up, covered over and abundantly gifted us with even more than what my children and I lost in the moments, days, and weeks after I heard those words.  I am still humbled as He continues to do so when there is a gap in provision.

Thank you, Lord.

He has kept relationships with extended family members strong, even in the face of opposition.  Relatives have extended their love, time, money and material things regardless of the choices and opinions of others.

Thank you, Lord.

He has provided church family that are determined to be His hands and feet.  Church family that has opened wide their arms and their hospitality.  Who are now are allowing us to gratefully serve and to bless in return.

Thank you, Lord.

And He has provided opportunities for me to learn more about Himself.  And opportunities to learn where I lack.  I could have -- and should have -- done some things so very differently.  Seems the learning curve of how to live divorced is so much higher than I ever dreamed.  For those opportunities,

Thank you, Lord.

The ripple effects of those wounding words that pursue, swirl around, thrusting and jabbing in deliberate, calculated intervals will reverberate until He calls me home.  I am powerless on my own to fight against them.  But:  God is my provider, my buckler, my shield, my defense and my healer.

I need nothing else.

I want nothing else.

Thank you, Lord.





Counting it all joy,

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous2/26/2013

    Well said! You are stronger than you think you are! Warm hugs being sent to you!

    Tammie m-p

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Tammie. Hugs back to you!

    Blessings.
    Jubilee

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautifully said. You have a quiet strength about you - while most people would have just given up, you seemed to have blossomed. Go you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you, Joanna.

    ReplyDelete
  5. When you are weakest, He is strongest! Your writings are even better after walking through such a difficult moment. Isn't it amazing how good turns the terrible things in our life around for our good because of His great love for us! Very, very proud to call you my sister!

    ReplyDelete

Dear Readers of note have said . . .

Verse of the Day