Saturday, July 7, 2012

Ebb and Flow

A treachery I never expected stretches wickedly before me.
It’s gaping grin pulls at me wildly, sucking the pleading cries from my raw throat. I grapple for purchase, wild eyed and white-knuckled. My screeching fingernails splinter along the icy metallic approach. I kick out, finding emptiness, and yet kick all the same. Wide, thick straps of cracked leather snap, making my already irregular breathing quick and shallow.

The cavern of darkness yawns wide, deep, frightening. Amidst the clicks and clacks hammering in my ears, I see the coming lurching turns and am powerless, in thought, in deed. The heights only emphasize the lows that careen farther and plunge deeper than I’d ever imagined into that cruel twisting chasm.

I squeeze my eyes shut and surrender to the horror of betrayal.

Joy eradicated. Numbness follows. Stretched, left limp beyond mortal limits, I cannot even summon tears to soothe the wounds.

Happiness has been torn from it’s woody warmth. Yanked from it’s graceful bough and sent careening toward the hard-packed dirt. Yes, thrown to the ground, stomped upon and sneered at. Hope threaded through, once colorfully weaved in and out now sullied and tattered. My soul’s fragility palpable in the pointed milky white shards lying stark against the brown, barren earth.

Peace of mind: no where.
The seeker: mystified.

The hollow ache of loneliness is answered by hazy silence. The void filled by anguishing thoughts that pierce, drag and slice. Glistening red, dark brown hues and purple triumphs pulse in a macabre waltz of ebb and flow.

Then little by little: a smile, a speaking glance, encouraging words that hang in the air, a sweet aroma. A sigh, a hug, a prayer.

And joy slowly slits open her brilliant blue eyes.

Circumspectly casting guarded glances about, uncertainty fills her azure depths, wary of a fresh onslaught.

A flicker -- and then a pause so long my breath escapes in a grand whoosh --

As the days grow shorter and the nights stretch as far as eye can possibly see, the single, lonely flicker becomes two and then three flames. Their warmth, more imagined than felt, a swirl of hope echo around the shadowy corners of my heart.

Five, six, seven and more now multiplied again and again until the glowing red-orange strains of relief seek out each crevice and hiding place.

Darkness, banished.

Vulnerability, shored up.

Helplessness, turned to hope once again.

Sharp yellow beacons of strength pick and pull, nudge and poke a rainbow of frayed happiness in the vacant places.

Emptiness, filled.

A delicate joy, found, cradled, caressed.


  1. Wendy Ray8/06/2012

    Jen did you write this yourself? It's beautiful and sad all at once. I am so sorry for your pain, but praising God for the joy that is being restored in you. I am continuing to keep you and your family in prayer. Love ya!


    1. Thank you Wendy. You are too kind.

  2. Has anyone ever said maybe you should write a book? :)

    1. lol Christy. Only you. Well, and my tenth grade English teacher!


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