Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Wallerin' But Tryin Not To -- But Failing Miserably

Oh, Geesh.


Here I am sitting, having a really good pity party with a nice helping of bitterness for hors d' oeuvres when I get hit with pearls of wisdom (from Twitter of all places) that basically tells me to knock it off.

Do all you can to maintain loving, peaceful, and healthy relationships. We cannot be right with God and wrong with man.


Let every detail in your lives - words, actions-be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God every step of the way. Col3.17.MSG


I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed.  And alone.  I want to lash out, stomp my feet and possibly even kick someone or something.  I want to dig in my heels and refuse to do what I know must be done.  And then, when I finally do it, I know what will happen:  I will want to gloat and feel all self-righteous about it.


I hate this about myself.


I hate that I am not stronger.  

I hate that I just cannot see what needs to be done and do it without a wound licking and tears first.  

I hate that I cannot change people to do things my way or to be, what I think, are better people.


Log?  What log?  I can't seem to see very well at the moment. I must have something in my eye.  Maybe I need contacts.

You may wonder what has set off this tirade. It was a simple thing really: I wanted help. I was refused that help and then I felt like that gave me permission to go mental on a rampage.


I still want to indulge in a nice, long, deep anger strike.  My farmer friends would make some kind of reference here to wallerin' like a pig.  The image would fit all too well, I am afraid.

I can feel that my blood pressure is still way too high.  I keep telling myself to uncurl my toes and fingers.  And though I know I need to pray, I am resisting.  Because that means I will have to change, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the person and circumstances that has brought me to this point will change.  

And it's not fair.  This is where, if I were four, I'd be sticking out my tongue.  Oh who am I kidding?!  The bottom lip has fallen far, far from the place God put it.  And it feels good.


And so not good.


Trying desperately to find the joy,

2 comments:

  1. Oh sweet friend,
    I know just where you are. I've been in that place too and too often. I have a dear friend who has a quote on her Facebook page, "Daily routine...recognize "plank in eye", remove plank...see more clearly...wash, rinse, repeat."
    I have found to change my attitude I need to replace my thoughts and actions with gratitude.
    I am praying for you. Some journeys are difficult to get through!
    (((hugs))), rebecca

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  2. Hello, thank you for your comment on SITS Girls. I am now a follower. I would love the follow back.

    Katie - Saving and Sharing It
    www.savingandsharingit.blogspot.com

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