notes of jubilee

PONDERISMS

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?

* Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?